The Pep got a wonderful, awful idea!

The Pep got a wonderful, awful idea!
The Pep, earlier. Photograph: Victoria Haydn/Man City via Getty Images


Every coach down in Coachville liked Christmas a lot
But the Pep who lived just outside Coachville did NOT!

The Pep hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season
For to take attention from football was treason
He had lived in some countries whose greatest mistake
Was to each year declare a midwinter break
In this nation the programme it never abated
But good cheer and big lunches Pep never had rated
It wasn’t by chance that last year, so downhearted
He declared that “the process of goodbye has started”
He told football writers, “of this I am sure,
My career will last just a year or two more”

Now a year it had passed and despite some achievements
This season for him was the worst of bereavements
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the coaches
Who to him were no better than Christmas c0ckroaches
For he knew every coach down in Coachville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath
And plotting, as sure as one breathes and exhales
To improve their poor teams in the January sales
Then he growled, with his Pep fingers constantly drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Pep got a wonderful, awful idea!

So to give their morale the most terrible bushwhack
He called up his old friend Khaldoon al-Mubarak
“I know how to destroy these most horrible men
“I will sign up not for one more year but 10!
“My rivals will surely all choke on their turkey
“If they knew I would be here for longer than Fergie!”

And before the coaches’ last cracker had gone crack
He’d verbally agreed a new 20-year contract
He’d stay there forever, he’d stay there for sure
Til José Mourinho Mourinhoed no more
Til the dreadful and ghastly Antonio Conte
Said “uh oh, uh oh, oh no, no” like Beyoncé
When the newspapers carried this news, it was true
That every coach down in Coachville cried Boo Hoo!

And what happened then? Well, in Coachville they say
That Pep’s head it grew three more sizes that day
But perhaps nobody should mind what he said
For next year he’ll say something quite different instead


Antoine Griezmann has belatedly done that not-really-apologising thing, despite posting an image of himself on assorted social media disgraces with his face and body painted black as part of a party costume. “If I offended some people I’m sorry,” he parped.

Photograph: Antoine Griezmann/PA

Greater Manchester police are investigating an incident of alleged racially aggravated assault on Raheem Sterling. “Officers are treating it as a hate crime,” said a spokesperson.

Crystal Palace will decide whether to fine Jason Puncheon after the club captain was charged with assault and possession of an offensive weapon following a night out at trendy Reigate nightspot Mishiko.

Migrant workers constructing stadiums for the Qatar World Cup continue to be trapped in a vicious cycle of debt and exploitation, according to new research by Amnesty International. “Nepali migrant workers are being systematically and mercilessly set up,” said the organisation’s James Lynch.

Mikel John Obi insists he won’t be leaving Tianjin Teda to join Everton in January. “I want to stay in the Chinese Super League and play for Teda,” he tooted. “I’m sure there will be lots of speculation about me as the transfer window nears but this is a false rumour.”

West Ham boss David Moyes seems surprised by the FA’s decision to charge Manuel Lanzini for diving to win a penalty at Stoke. “The referee was 10 yards from the ball with nothing blocking his vision,” he blabbed. “It is clear to see the defender makes an attempt to go for the ball and doesn’t get it. From my point of view, they are going against the referee, whoever the panel were.”

And it’s finally over at 69, after Hearts ended the Queen’s Celtic’s unbeaten run with a 4-0 gubbing at Tynecastle. “They were the better team,” smiled Brendan Rodgers. “But I also want to congratulate my players. They have been absolutely amazing over those 18 months.”


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